This was really brought home to me even more this weekend, as First Born and Middle Biscuit were going their separate ways to do separate things in their respective areas of interest. This has been happening more and more as they get older, and it has me being reflective.
As they grow, they will spend less and less time here in the nest. Which is, of course, the goal. (No 30 year olds living in my basement, thank you very much!) I was listening to our local radio hosts the other morning, and they were commenting how that those baby and toddler years seem to last forever, but that once your kid gets into high school, it's like the time speeds up to warp levels, and they're gone before you know it. And I am reminded of a little plaque that hangs in my grandmother's house. I remember reading it as a kid, and not really getting it. But now I do. It's the one about roots and wings, and how we need to give our kids both.
First Born is in high school this year, and Middle Biscuit is in junior high, and I can see the end coming. It's barreling down the tunnel, and there's no getting out of its way. So, I'm thinking: have I done all I can to get them ready? Are they grounded in their faith? Can they stand up for what's right? Do they have manners? Can they clean up after themselves? Are they on their way to being decent human beings? And I can only answer: We're trying, and we're not giving up yet!
It seems like that happens often. People just sort of stop parenting once their kids get to be about 11 or 12. I guess I figure that is actually the worst time to stop parenting. You see, your kids are going from kids to adults in those last few years. Before, they were only changing from little kids to a little bit bigger kids. You have to teach them staying-alive skills, like listening, obedience, don't eat cat food, etc. Which are really important, of course.
But taking your hands off the wheel just when your kid gets to the controls is a bad idea. Am I an advocate of "helicopter parenting?" No way. (I'm probably the least helicopter parent I know, ha!) But there's a difference between hovering and intentional parenting.
Intentional parenting is parenting with an end goal in mind. Not just stopping a behavior or decision because it's annoying or inconvenient, but because you have a definite purpose and plan for your kids. You want them to be adults one day. Competent adults that know how to do things.
So, what are some ways we intentionally parent? I'll share a few with you, but there's no one-size-fits-all plan. But I think these are good starting points, and they are how we try to raise our kids. Who are by no means perfect (WHY CAN NO ONE FIND THE HAMPER?!?) but are growing every day a bit at a time.
1) Prayer. Of course, this seems like an obvious one, but unless you start the habit early, you'll find time has flown by and your kid is out the door. This is one that can be done any where, any time. Start simple--pray for them to have a good day at school. It's easy to go from there. Pray for their attitude; pray for their behavior struggles; pray for their friends; pray for their future spouse. I know people who choose a verse to pray over their kids. There's no one right way to pray, except to just start.
2) Tell them the truth. We don't lie to our kids. About big things or little things. We don't tell them things we know aren't true. The truth is a very big deal in our house, and pretty much the earliest lesson we began teaching. But how does a kid know not to lie if the adults in their life do? You can tell the truth no matter what. We say Santa is a fun pretend, not that he's real, or that he brought their presents. We tell them the truth when they ask the hard questions. And, believe me, it's not always easy. Some of those questions can be really hard. But your child's trust in you is a key aspect of their eventual trust in God. So be very careful to be honest with your kids, even when it's difficult.
3) Protect them. This seems like a no-brainer as well, but so many kids are thrown to the wolves every day. *soap box warning* Because their parents give them access to electronics without knowing what that entails. You turn on the parental controls and assume everything is great. But her "friend" is the one telling your daughter she could stand to lose some weight. His "friend" is introducing your son to thoughts and images he will never recover from. And all I hear is, "But...but... but..." But I know what I have seen kids turn in to when they get their first phone. I know the ways they get around you. I listen to them talk to each other when they think no grown-ups are listening. So, protect them. Maybe your kid has a phone. Fine. Do they need internet on it? Probably not. Maybe they watch Youtube. Fine. Do you go back and watch everything they do? Do you spend as much time on their accounts as they do? "I don't have time for that," you might say. Fine. Then they don't have time for it either. You know the statistics. You know the numbers. Why would you risk it? We decided that we would be in charge of what our kids have access too. It works for us. (I have a college acquaintance who recently wrote an article about why his teenage son has a flip phone. I've linked it here. It's worth the five minutes or so to read it.)
4) Don't shelter them. This might seem a contradiction after the last one, but (at least to me) there is a big difference between protection and sheltering. I do not think that the first exposure to the world around them should happen when your kids get out on their own. I've seen too many kids who have been too sheltered become overwhelmed when faced with the myriad of things (good & bad) life has to offer. They spin their wheels, lose their focus, and sometime lose their way. So, don't hide the world from your kids. Find the right balance of exposure and protection. And don't forget to tell them the end of the story. Show them the results of bad decisions, don't hide it from them. Be truthful. Help them grow their own filters and discernment while you still have a majority of the control. Then when they are on their own, they will have a grounding point.
5) Challenge them. Let's face it...one thing you learn about life is that it is not easy. Now, imagine you are a kid who everything has been easy for because your parents never pushed you out of a comfort zone. What is going to happen when the first tough thing hits you? You're either going to cave or run home to your parents to fix it. So, challenge your kids. Make them do stuff they don't want to. Make them try new things. Try new things together. Make them find away to get along with "that" kid or "that" teacher. (There are always going to be "those" people in your life. You won't always be able to switch classes or instructors.) Make them get up and go again if they fall down. Mop up the blood and move on. Because that's what life has to be sometimes. You fall. You bleed. You get up. You go again. Teach this to your kids. There are too many quitters out there.
Well, this post is getting long enough. I hope it encourages and inspires you to be more intentional with your parenting. Look for the end of the tunnel, because it's rapidly approaching. Ask yourself the tough questions: what kind of person is my kid going to be? Am I passing on my faith? Can they do hard things? Can they find the hamper? :)
